my mother's current state/Hawaii

I'm still processing the trip.

My colleagues have done really well with asking me extra-specific questions like "what was your favorite part?" and "did you go swimming?" But they probably remember that I have a possibly bad habit of being perfectly honest when they ask me social questions: those questions that mostly just fill space like "how are you?" or "how are you feeling?" if you've been sick.

"Well, you know, Bob, it feels like I've been gargling razor blades and salt, but other than that I'm great!" (I don't have a colleague named Bob, nor do I think I've ever felt like that: this was purely for illustrative comedic value.)

My answer to a general question like "how was the trip?" would probably be something like "a bit of a mixed bag, actually. Some great parts and some not-so-great parts." And they'd probably ask further, which would result in a conversation about my mother and how she's doing. Which is to say, not well.

She has Parkinson's, and various other problems, which really add up (if not grow exponentially). And there are some very basic things that we're just diametrically opposed on. Not having seen her for years amplified these greatly. Some of them were minor differences of opinion: she'd continuously buy two Snickers bars in case we were hungry. To me, a Snickers is not a snack, it's a dessert. I started packing nuts instead. She mused one day around lunchtime that "a burger sounds really good." I threw up my hands (even though I was driving at the time) and said "we're in Hawaii! No!"

The health problems, though, and the very basic things she can't do anymore, well: there are very few things that invoke abject terror in me anymore. I left most of those things in childhood, including a fear of bugs and spiders, a fear of heights, and a fear of the dark when I was very young. Seeing my mother in this condition--and thus, myself in a similar situation forty years down the line--did it for me.

I could go so far as to call this a phobia, because there's no real grounding for it. Lots of people have Parkinson's, lots of older folks have trouble getting around. It will probably happen to me as well, if I don't die early. But the totally unreasonable, fight-or-flight instinct in my brain is left screaming at me that I'd rather die early than have that happen. That if I ever get to the point that I need someone to open a water bottle for me, I need to just shove off and leave the world to the younger and fitter.

Totally unreasonable, as I said. But watching my mother struggle to stand multiple times a day was heartbreaking. She used to be taller than me. She's now 5'2". We requested a wheelchair every time through an airport. Just. Heartbreaking.

That aside (and it's a big thing to put aside), I had some great times there. L asked me what my favorite place there was, and I couldn't answer that. The whole place is great--though far too warm for my tastes--but it's the stuff I did that I loved.

I went surfing for the first time--and did actually get up on the board, I might add, because people keep asking. I went on a helicopter tour of Maui, and a bus tour of Oahu that was really quite excellent (reminder to self: write a letter to the tour company about how good guide/driver--nicknamed "Cousin Good-Looking," by the by--was). Lit incense in a Buddhist temple. Found some beautiful, locally handmade crafts. Toured behind-the-scenes at a jewelry factory specializing in rare corals and pearls. Woke to the sound of waves crashing every morning and went out on the balcony of both hotels to watch dawn break. Drove the approximately 620 curves over 59 bridges (46 of them one-lane-only) across the north shore of Maui. Hiked around the rainforest on that side, getting totally bugbitten.

Did not get a tan.

On the up side, that means I didn't get burned, either, and that's a real danger with me.

Now that I'm back, though, still processing. The experience gave me one of those "this means something" kind of feelings, and I'd find it hard to shake, even if I wanted to. But I don't, because it means a happier, healthier me if follow through on it. More on that later.

Also still processing photos. It's a bit of a slog just because there are so many of them. But I'll get through them all. What I've got so far (mostly of the various plane rides, though a couple sneak peeks from hotel balconies) is up here. Stay tuned for the rest.